Attachment Parenting and Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety - who suffers more from it, the parents, or the children? Many times, it is the parent who suffers more from separation anxiety, even though we do not exhibit this by crying, (most of the time) screaming or falling down and begging not to leave. :) Typically, babies under six months of age do not suffer from separation anxiety, simply because they have no true concept of what is called “object permanence”. When the concept of object permanence sets in, anywhere between 6 and 18 months, it means that the baby finally begins to understand that when something is not visible, it still exists, is when separation anxiety usually sets in.

The thing is, with babies, there is no concept of time even though there may be a concept of object permanence. So, when you lave the room, whether it s to go to the restroom or to go to work, baby has no idea when you are coming back, so they will do whatever they feel like they can do to get you to not leave.

The best (and only) way to overcome separation anxiety is to help your child work through it. This is not your child having a tantrum, nor is it something that can be dealt with using discipline. This is a phase that must be dealt with using the typical attachment parenting methods - love, understanding and presence.

Ideally, with attachment parenting, one parent with be with the baby at all times. Attachment parenting strongly advocates - well - attachment! To develop baby’s attachment, your presence is REQUIRED. I am not saying that you cannot use attachment parenting methods if you are a two-income family and your child goes to daycare - but in all honesty, it will be more difficult because your child will spend a significant portion of the day away from you. If you can find a child care provider that will promote an attachment bond in tandem with you for your child, that would be ideal.

Separation anxiety can be deal with very simply by being there all the time. I worked outside the home for the first 6 months of my son’s life, and it was horrible. He refused to eat or sleep while I was at work, like a wild animal that has been caught. I finally found a work from home job, and as soon as I came home, my son started gaining weight, napping and flourishing. He may have been “too young” to suffer from separation anxiety as we define it, but it is obvious to me that being separated from me was not in my son’s best interest.

Attachment parenting is a way of life in our household, and my husband supports this method as much as I do. Therefore, 99% of the things we do are kid-friendly activities. Our children come with us wherever we go, whenever possible. Don’t get me wrong, we do go out every once in a while for dinner alone or we go out with the “adults”. But - it usually only lasts a few hours because our son can only tolerate being away from us for so long. That time has gotten longer and longer, though, because we have demonstrated to him CONSISTENTLY that when HE NEEDS US WE ARE THERE. When he needs us to come home, when he starts going to the door and asking for Mommy or Daddy, or to go home, we get a phone call, and we come home. Some people call that spoiling. I don’t, in any way. I see the results, and I see that over time, my son has grown to understand that Mommy and Daddy always comes home and whenever he needs us we are there.

If you have no choice, and have to leave your baby, try these tips for separation anxiety (from http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babydevelopment/145.html

1. Always say goodbye. Kiss and hug your baby when you leave and tell him where you're going and when you'll be back, but don't prolong your goodbyes.

2. Always say goodbye: Part 2. Resist the urge to sneak out the back door. Your baby will only become more upset if he thinks you've disappeared into thin air.

3. Keep it light. Your baby is quite tuned in to how you feel, so show your warmth and enthusiasm for the caregiver you've chosen. And don't cry or act upset if your baby starts crying — at least not while he can see you. You'll both get through this. The caregiver will probably tell you later that your baby's tears stopped before you were even out of the driveway.

4. Once you leave, leave. Repeated trips back into the house or daycare center to calm your baby will make it harder on you, your child, and the caregiver.

5. Try a trial at first. Limit the first night (or afternoon) out to no more than an hour. As you and baby become more familiar with the sitter or the surroundings of a childcare setting, you can extend your outings.